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Ten daft computer terminology definitions...
1. BIT - A word used to describe computers, as in "Our computer cost quite a bit."
2. CHIPS - The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.
3. CURSOR - What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform, as in "You $#% computer!"
4. ERROR - What you made the first time you walked into a computer shop to "just look".
5. FLOPPY - The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see Chips).
6. BUG - What smal email does to you.
7. HARDWARE - Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.
8. EXPANSION UNIT - The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.
9. MENU - What you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.
10. WINDOW - What you finally chuck your computer out of.

Web-site ...... Back of computer, under the desk (spider territory)

Byte ......... What you stop computing for when your tummy rumbles

Spreadsheet ....... Old cloth you throw over your computer to keep it dust free

Password ....... Written at bottom of Computer Class exam paper e.g. Distinction /Credit / Pass/Fail/Good try/ Try Flower arranging.

Floppy Disk ..... A Hard Disk when left too close to radiator

Ink Jet ....... What you get over your shirt when fiddling with your fountain pen while computing

Interface .... When your monitor is on the blink and is so dim you can see your face reflected in it.

Program .... Adustment of your computer to default from Imperial to Metric system.

MONITOR - The wife that says you've been on there long enough - and unplugs just before you've pressed the save key.

SPAM - What you have to eat as it is all you can afford since buying your computer.

Software ....... Comfortable clothing used while computing e.g.

DAYTIME: Track suit, T shirt, Ugg Boots ...... NIGHT TIME: Dressing gown over pyjamas.